Biopsy

You never expect to be the person sitting in the doctor's office waiting to hear if you have cancer or not. It doesn't matter if there is only a twenty percent chance, it still makes ones heart pound hard  while thinking of all the "what if's". Clinging to trust in the Otolaryngologist clinic.

On our trip in November, I had begun to feel a lump in my throat. Upon returning home and noticing that it wasn't going away, I made appointments, and found out that there indeed was what they call a non concerning "nodule" there.
Non-concerning or not, off to the specialist I went where he told me that I needed a biopsy to make sure it wasn't cancer.

During that long month of waiting for results, my newly engaged self went through what was probably the hardest time of my life. I struggled with wanting to be perfectly happy, yet trying to prepare myself for worst case scenario. I was getting married, but at the same time if I was to oblivious to what was going on... I wouldn't be prepared if the news in the doctor's office was exactly what I didn't want to hear.

So my emotions were pulled back and forth constantly. From great joy and anticipation to solemnly thinking of how my worst fear could become my reality.
As I was picking out my wedding dress, the moment of elation from finding the "right one" was clouded by the thought of possible shattered dreams.

I didn't tell anyone other then some of our family. I didn't want to worry those close to me over something that probably wasn't.
But God orchestrated through Josiah, Kerri's fiancé, that thousands of people were agreeing in prayer for the results that we all wanted to hear. Those prayers meant the world to me.

Then there was Ben. My sweet fiancé. I prayed desperately every day that I would be in the eighty percent because I couldn't bear the thought of what he would have to go through.
Through all of this, he was my rock. We had moments where we would just stand on our own little island and hold each other, as if we were trying to keep one another from falling. We prayed, we cried, and through all of it he reminded me over and over again that God was holding our lives. When I would be tempted to fly on the emotions of fear, he would pull me down and remind me of Who is in control. We grew so much as a couple, learning together how to deal with life's curveballs.
I had to learn that it was ok not to be the strong one, that it was ok to be afraid, to cry, to let myself feel out loud.

Probably the hardest moment in all of this was the night that I faced the tumultuous wind of emotion. Lifting up my head to face the fear, the anger I was feeling at having these happy moments stolen, and to face letting go. I wrote into the early hours of the morning, and through prayer and heart searching was finally able to find peace. I was able to let go of control and really know that God had a perfect plan for both Ben and I. I had to give Ben to God, to realize that He would give us both the strength to face whatever could be ahead.

I squeezed hard the hand of the one I love as the doctor faced me and said. "I have good news." Praise God, the biopsy came back negative.
Ben and I celebrated by eating to much Chinese and by buying things for our new house.

Though it was hard, I wouldn't trade this journey for anything. I have learned SO much about trust this past year, and it's like God just keeps bringing me up to the next level of learning.
He brought both Ben and I to the place where even if the results hadn't been what we wanted to hear, we would have been able to rest in God's perfect plan. We are both just so grateful that the answer to all of those prayers was "Yes".

Today, if you are facing something that causes your heart to be troubled, remember this. God has a big picture, and no matter what you are up against, He has got you. He will hold you. Allow the knowledge that He is in control to reign over the fear that wants to cripple you. I know how you feel, and I know that if you bring all the worries to God and let go of all that you so desperately want to hold on to, He will replace it with His love in a form of peace that passes all understanding.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, 

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11