I'll Dream For You

School is beginning again. And again there are those moments that find me sitting at a table supervising school work. Idle hands itching to write.

So I write, maybe about nothing at times. 

Maybe about certain subjects that are being laid on my heart. 

Maybe about frustrations, dreams and aspirations. 

Maybe there will be no words, but a lone picture.

Whatever the case, there will likely be more posts popping up on this my internet space, more often as the school year progresses.

Today I share a song that has been one of my favourites since I heard if for the first time one harvest evening spent in the grain truck with my big brother.

It speaks to my current inner struggles, and shares a message that stills my soul.

I have dreams, but God's dreams for me are so much bigger. Even just knowing that is enough.

Though I don't know your name

Photograph credit: Joanna Froese

We need balance.
Basically with and in every single area of life.
There are two ends to every spectrum. Extremities to every situation.
God has created the perfect balance, that middle ground, a "sweet spot". It is a place that a lot of people fail to recognize at times (myself included) which is why we have legalism, addicts, workaholics, extreme moral deprivation... the list could go on.
Christianity can often bear confusion and misleading because of this need for balance. There are places in Scripture where the writer will teach on a subject in a radical fashion, then bring it home with a reminder to retain even ground.

There seems to always be two opposite concepts that need to be brought together and balanced in perfect harmony in order to reach a perfected state.

I have recently come to the revelation that this bodes the same in regard to the life of a single person.
I wrote a post a couple of years back entitled "Content in Singleness". In it I stressed the importance of resting in the fact that God has our future in His hands as well as to not let these days of single life slip by uselessly.
As time unceasingly flowed by and the years of my life continued on without the prospect of a future husband in my life, I became afraid. Afraid that I would fail to prohibit that hope from consuming my life. I was afraid that I would find myself becoming desperate.
Without even realizing it, in my valient effort to not let that happen, I quenched that hope, that desire, that dream little by little until there was barely a small flame left burning. It became easier to succumb to the fact that I may end up being single my entire life, then to struggle with my desire for a significant other.
It wasn't like I was depressed about it. I had just become more than okay with it.
Whenever someone mentioned something about my future with a husband/family, I would roll the eyes of my heart. My thoughts and even sometimes my words would reply negativly.
I stopped praying for him every night as I had since I turned eighteen. I stopped writing to him in the journal I hoped to present to him on our wedding day.

Had this been something that I replaced with a deeper and more intimate relationship with Christ. Then I could say that it was of God. But instead it had been replaced with a restlessness and emptyness.
It was such a subtle change that I didn't even recognize it. That is until one evening as I was washing the dishes, and listening to the words of an Anthem Lights song called "Hide your love away".
The song goes like this…

I don't know your name yet

I've never even seen your face

I'm looking with my eyes wide open

Till I find you in the right time and place

Hide your love away and wait for me, wait for me

I will do the same; wait for me, wait for me

There will come a day, when I will finally say

Staring in your eyes, I've waited my whole life

For this night

Every day your prayed for

And I'm dreaming of you every night

Wherever you are right now

Your already the love of my life

I'm holding on for you, my heart belongs to you

Your everything that I adore

I'm holding on for you, my heart belongs to you

Darling your love is spoken for

Hide your love away and wait for me, wait for me

I will do the same; wait for me wait for me

With every breath you take; wait for me, wait for me

I will do the same; wait for me, oh, wait for me

There will come a day, when I will finally say

Staring in your eyes, I've waited my whole life

For this night

As I listened to the words of this song that evening, I imagined my possible future husband singing the words. 

Hide your love away.

With every breath you take, wait for me.

I then searched within myself and realized that the love I had been so afraid would completely kidnap my heart, was almost gone.

These questions then began flooding from my soul accompanied with revelation…

How could I hide away a love that wasn't there?

What if my future love IS praying for me every day and dreaming of me every night?

What if his heart already belongs to me?

What if God has placed the desire to find love inside my heart because it is my true destiny?

Am I quenching a gift that has been given to me for a purpose?

Does God not create who we are, even the deep place from whence comes our hopes and dreams?

Then I knew. 

I had shut it all out near to completion.

I had put a damper on my dreams as a reaction to fear.

And so I began the process of finding that love again, then carefully concealing it as a most precious treasure.

Do I still believe that I should be content where I am, trusting God with the outcome of my future? Absolutely.

But I realize now that it is possible to cradle a hidden and completely unexplainable love without riding on the wings of wild emotion. 

Even though I don't know his name and have never even seen his face.

Not only can I trust God with the path of my life, but I can also trust him to remove desires and hopes that are not of Him.
Because God is my first love, I can dream of love.

It is all about finding that balance between the extremities of contentment and desire.

contentment |kənˈtentmənt| nouna state of happiness and satisfaction:
desire |dəˈzī(ə)r| nouna strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen:

It takes daily prayer to the God of great grace to come to that beautiful place.
I'm not saying that everyday in the life of a single person (like myself) will be always filled with roses and rainbows.
What I am saying is that if you take the time to ask Him, God will fill up the empty spaces in your heart with an unconditional, awesome and powerful love.
So that you will be left with a powerful contentment with the present, along with an intense hope for the future.

Ocean Dreams

I'll never forget that first moment in which I experienced the ocean. Walking along trails with the family in the dark, nervous laughter when we realized what kind of wild animals could be watching us as we made our way down unfamiliar paths. We had already been able to hear the ocean when we arrived at our campsite, and it continued to become louder and louder as we made our way closer.
As it was almost dark when we arrived, we couldn't see much of anything. But we could hear the beauty.
There was a sense of terrifying yet amazing power as we listened to the low tide waves rolling onto the beach.
If ever I desperately desired daylight, it was then. I wanted to see this thing that tugged and pulled at my other senses.

The next morning I woke early and on the way back from a trip for two to the washroom, Mikaya and I shared the moment of beholding this wonder for the first time.

The sun rising over the horizon of endless blue sea.
God's canvas of colors filled the sky.
Birds running back and forth in time with the waves, eating their breakfast in the wet sand.
We stood staring, listening, breathing deeply the salty air.
The sounds reminded me of thunder continuously crashing. I wrestled with feelings of an awe inspired fear and an overwhelming fascination. The knowledge of how small we are and how big God is became reality in that moment as I took in the vastness and power of the ocean in front of me.
God's power, right before my eyes.

Those three days that were spent almost continually on the beach, were among the most amazing in my entire life.
I had imagined what it would be like to run along the beach, to play in the waves, to search for treasures while wading through the swelling waters.
But the mind didn't comprehend the spiritual aspect.
Experiencing for the first time the powerful beauty that God created.
Seeing His creatures playing in the waves.
Running alongside the beach with reckless abandon, freedom flowing through my veins.
Standing in the ocean watching the waves rise above my head, then crash down and sweep my bodily self to the shore.
Power and love. So gentle, yet so strong.
God's beauty and power personified.

Since we entered back into the country that we call our home, I think often about our ocean adventure.
The experience frequents my dreams. I never did dream about the ocean until I had been there.
Whether it be running, running and running along the sandy beach, seeing a blue whale surface in the water or being bitten by a shark... I still wake up happy whenever I see, hear, or feel the ocean in my sleep's thoughts.

How I wish to be there again.

Someday.