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| Photograph credit: Joanna Froese |
We need balance.
Basically with and in every single area of life.
There are two ends to every spectrum. Extremities to every situation.
God has created the perfect balance, that middle ground, a "sweet spot". It is a place that a lot of people fail to recognize at times (myself included) which is why we have legalism, addicts, workaholics, extreme moral deprivation... the list could go on.
Christianity can often bear confusion and misleading because of this need for balance. There are places in Scripture where the writer will teach on a subject in a radical fashion, then bring it home with a reminder to retain even ground.
There seems to always be two opposite concepts that need to be brought together and balanced in perfect harmony in order to reach a perfected state.
I have recently come to the revelation that this bodes the same in regard to the life of a single person.
I wrote a post a couple of years back entitled "Content in Singleness". In it I stressed the importance of resting in the fact that God has our future in His hands as well as to not let these days of single life slip by uselessly.
As time unceasingly flowed by and the years of my life continued on without the prospect of a future husband in my life, I became afraid. Afraid that I would fail to prohibit that hope from consuming my life. I was afraid that I would find myself becoming desperate.
Without even realizing it, in my valient effort to not let that happen, I quenched that hope, that desire, that dream little by little until there was barely a small flame left burning. It became easier to succumb to the fact that I may end up being single my entire life, then to struggle with my desire for a significant other.
It wasn't like I was depressed about it. I had just become more than okay with it.
Whenever someone mentioned something about my future with a husband/family, I would roll the eyes of my heart. My thoughts and even sometimes my words would reply negativly.
I stopped praying for him every night as I had since I turned eighteen. I stopped writing to him in the journal I hoped to present to him on our wedding day.
Had this been something that I replaced with a deeper and more intimate relationship with Christ. Then I could say that it was of God. But instead it had been replaced with a restlessness and emptyness.
It was such a subtle change that I didn't even recognize it. That is until one evening as I was washing the dishes, and listening to the words of an Anthem Lights song called "Hide your love away".
The song goes like this…
I don't know your name yet
I've never even seen your face
I'm looking with my eyes wide open
Till I find you in the right time and place
Hide your love away and wait for me, wait for me
I will do the same; wait for me, wait for me
There will come a day, when I will finally say
Staring in your eyes, I've waited my whole life
For this night
Every day your prayed for
And I'm dreaming of you every night
Wherever you are right now
Your already the love of my life
I'm holding on for you, my heart belongs to you
Your everything that I adore
I'm holding on for you, my heart belongs to you
Darling your love is spoken for
Hide your love away and wait for me, wait for me
I will do the same; wait for me wait for me
With every breath you take; wait for me, wait for me
I will do the same; wait for me, oh, wait for me
There will come a day, when I will finally say
Staring in your eyes, I've waited my whole life
For this night
As I listened to the words of this song that evening, I imagined my possible future husband singing the words.
Hide your love away.
With every breath you take, wait for me.
I then searched within myself and realized that the love I had been so afraid would completely kidnap my heart, was almost gone.
These questions then began flooding from my soul accompanied with revelation…
How could I hide away a love that wasn't there?
What if my future love IS praying for me every day and dreaming of me every night?
What if his heart already belongs to me?
What if God has placed the desire to find love inside my heart because it is my true destiny?
Am I quenching a gift that has been given to me for a purpose?
Does God not create who we are, even the deep place from whence comes our hopes and dreams?
Then I knew.
I had shut it all out near to completion.
I had put a damper on my dreams as a reaction to fear.
And so I began the process of finding that love again, then carefully concealing it as a most precious treasure.
Do I still believe that I should be content where I am, trusting God with the outcome of my future? Absolutely.
But I realize now that it is possible to cradle a hidden and completely unexplainable love without riding on the wings of wild emotion.
Even though I don't know his name and have never even seen his face.
Not only can I trust God with the path of my life, but I can also trust him to remove desires and hopes that are not of Him.
Because God is my first love, I can dream of love.
Because God is my first love, I can dream of love.
It is all about finding that balance between the extremities of contentment and desire.
contentment |kənˈtentmənt| nouna state of happiness and satisfaction:It takes daily prayer to the God of great grace to come to that beautiful place.
desire |dəˈzī(ə)r| nouna strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen:
I'm not saying that everyday in the life of a single person (like myself) will be always filled with roses and rainbows.
What I am saying is that if you take the time to ask Him, God will fill up the empty spaces in your heart with an unconditional, awesome and powerful love.
So that you will be left with a powerful contentment with the present, along with an intense hope for the future.
4 comments:
Great post! I have told McKenzie that these adult single years can be some of the best, most productive of your life. And, like I've told McKenzie before Daniel entered her life, I really doubt you will stay single forever. "Mr. Right" could be right around the corner, so enjoy this time! The picture of you with the horse is really pretty! :)
Where was your mom and dad what did they come home from? Hannah Beth
Yes, we do need balance. I struggle with some of the things I read from you before. I do believe that independence as an adult has its place as well. Living with parents until marriage(or until their death if you never marry) is not a bad choice in and of itself. I know some single ladies that did just that. They maintain good family relationships, but intentionally seek out other friendships as well. They work and are involved in their communities. If they need help, they know who to call if family is not readily available. One friend said that when her son took a job out of province, how he needed to have friends close by since they could not be available in such moments. And I learn that too, since my siblings live far away. My parents are still here, but are getting older and cannot do everything for me.
Keep seeking God above all else
Firstly, S T U N N I N G photograph.
Secondly, I know you posted this a while ago, but I've been thinking about it since then, so I decided to come back and write you. :P
I love your thoughts on balance. LOVE them. And I'm not really sure how to express this properly, but I am touched by your honesty and struggle and... The place you have come to, acceptance of emotion in balance with your spirituality, is really beautiful. I know we will always fall in and out of balance, which is perfectly normal, but being able to find it shows wisdom, I think.
YOU ARE AWESOME basically, is what I'm trying to say. Heh. :)
I also want to share a few thoughts about marriage and such, which I hope might encourage you.
You know how I'm a couple years older than you? Well, apparently my brain is ALMOST done growing. It's supposed to be fully developed by age 25. Why do I point this out? Because even though you might feel that you are getting older (and that is true in some ways), you are still a growing young woman, Jennifer. :)
I know that many in your family have married at age 18, and it's wonderful that they have been able to find love so young, but for economic reasons, this isn't always a realistic expectation. My brother is very mature for his age (19), and even he wouldn't be ready for the financial responsibility of a family just yet.
But most young men are not quite as "grown-up" as my little brother. Most men need to finnish 1 to 9 years of College or University, reach that 25 age mark, get a job that will pay off the school debts, deal with living expenses... From my observations at least, a large portion of men these days are not looking to get married at your age.
Maybe you'll find one who is in the next year or two, or maybe you'll find a man older than you. But it's also possible that your Mr. Right simply needs to grow up for a few more years than you do, and will find you when he has. So I'm glad you've decided to hope. :)
OH RIGHT, I should also bring up another thing. Obviously the economy isn't the best, pretty much worldwide. You are soooo blessed to have your farm, where your family can all work together. But not everyone has such an advantage, or a business of their own. I'm not sure as to your own current beliefs about women working outside the home or family business, but your haircutting skills could come in mad helpful if there was ever need for you to contribute to your husband's income, eh? I will most likely have to contribute financially if I marry my boyfriend, because though he works extremely hard (and I am so grateful to him for doing so), he has started out with almost none of the advantages I have. (And he's younger than me, haha--he's your age, ironically. They are out there!)
So yeah! Huge long comment here for ya to chew on.
You have a good head on your shoulders, Jennifer, and whoever you end up with is going to be one lucky man. :)
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