Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Why I am Waiting

I have never dated, nor will I ever date.
Instead I have taken the path of courtship, waiting for the one that God has planned to be my future husband. Waiting hasn't always been easy, but it is and has been SO worth it.
I came to think that some of you may be wondering why I have made the decision not to date. I came to the conclusion that the best way to explain it would be to compare courtship with dating and show you the difference.
Every courtship is different, simply because every family and every person is different. But the underlying concept is purity.
Now I'm not saying only physical purity, but also emotional purity.

Recreational dating isn't a commitment. The purpose of it is often for fun (not in all cases, but in lots, especially those that date when they are in their early teens) and for emotional fulfilment. Broken hearts are almost expected. Dating, breaking up, dating someone else... breaking up... is routine. In reality, it's like practicing for divorce.

The purpose of courtship is to get to know a girl/guy with the intention of marriage. Breakups are rare and if they happen there is usually not any emotional heartbreak involved because there has been no heartstrings tied.
With my brother Josh and Rebecca (they have now been married for over 2 years).... they had already known each other for 4 or so years before they actually started officially courting. Our family had been friends with their family and we got together to play sports and just hang out together often. When Josh asked Rebecca's dad if he could court his daughter, they already were pretty sure that marriage was in their future. They only courted for 10 days before they were engaged. So anyway, the point of the story is that Josh and Becky didn't need to court for very long, simply because they already knew what each other were like! They were not courting just for fun, they were courting because they were serious about marriage.

The guy asks the girl out. The girl then makes the decision herself whether or not she wants to go out with this guy. She vulnerable to having to answer guys and possibly face pressure from the guy to go out with him.

In courtship there is no talking to the girl first, the guy goes to the Dad to ask permission.
The reason that there is parental involvement is simply because Dad has lived longer, and he has been through stuff that I haven't been through yet (or may never go through). He can see the ups and downs way better then I can and he can "check the guy out" in ways that I could never. We call it screening guys.
This way, I never have to make the decision of whether or not to say yes or no right off the bat, I don't have to face the pressure of worrying about making the guy feel bad and I don't have to get emotionally involved.
Some people confuse this with being an "arranged marriage". Not so, in an arranged marriage there is no choice for the young woman/man in the matter, they don't have a say whatsoever in who they are going to marry.
My Dad and Mom would NEVER force or even try to convince me to marry someone that I have no desire to marry. And it goes without saying that I would NEVER even think about marrying someone that Mom and Dad don't approve of. We work as a team.
And as a cherry on the top, the guy has to prove that he is man enough to get up the courage to talk to daddy :)

The guy and girl feel like they have to try different people out in order to know who is the right one.

I don't have to look for my future husband, my daddy's got that covered :) He is always on the lookout for "possibilities" and it is off my hands! But even bigger than my Dad is God. I have left it in His hands to find a husband for me if it is His will. If God wants me to marry... He is going to bring me someone to marry!

Going on a date means being alone. The couple is then susceptible to temptation even if they have strong convictions.
When the couple is alone, they can fake who they really are. And can put on a "show" to impress their "significant other".

Courting is a family affair. When the couple is together, they are together with family and friends around. The best place to get to know someone and to find out what they are really like is in a family setting. The family isn't in love, so they are not out to impress.
And the temptation simply isn't there, accountability is the key. And yes... I will even mention the word CHAPERON!!! I think my sisters will make good chaperon's :)
Now I'm not saying that there is never a time for couples to be alone and just talk, but it is in a setting where anyone could come walking in on them at any moment.

Dating couples give pieces of their heart to each other by kissing. having heart to heart conversations ect. The problem with this is that if/when they break up with one person and move on to the next, they have given a piece of their heart to someone who is not/will not be their husband/wife. When they actually get married, they have little to give their spouse because some or most of their heart has been given away. They also have memories that they would/should rather not have.

Most courting couples have very high physical standards, but not all are the same. For me, I know that I will never do anything with my Beau that I would not feel comfortable doing in front of my Dad.  Saving my first kiss for the alter is a must. But it's not just about a kiss. The day that I get married I want to be able to give my future husband absolutely every thing that I have to offer.

Ya, so now that I have given my spiel... it's your turn.
Anyone have anything to add or comment on? Feel free. Questions are welcome.

If you want some more info about courtship Paul Washer has a great sermon about it Here. He isn't afraid to say exactly what he believes... so be prepared :)


~ McKenzie Elizabeth~ said...

That was awesome!
That was a very encouraging read.
I am often discouraged as "old" friends get impatient and give up on waiting. It is a blessing to know that there are other young ladies out there waiting for God's best!

Love you!

Anonymous said...

Nicely said J.R. Haha what do you think of that nick name?!? Not very girly EH! He he :) I recieved your letters today! Yep I was like a kid at Christmas time!
Hopefully you will get mine sometime this week.

Love you sis,

Jenny's writings said...

Lizzy ~ Cool.... J.R..... cool :) I'll take any nickname from my most amazing friend! ;) Glad my letters got to you safe and sound!! Now I'm REALLY looking forward to getting yours (like... really, really :)!!!!!
Love you BuNcHeS too!!

McKenzie ~ Thanks for your comment! Always love hearing from you :)


Stacey said...

This was a very good post on courtship :) The only thing I sort of disagree with is the part about having heart to heart conversations. I don't believe there is anything wrong with serious conversations with the person you expect to spend the rest of your life with. There are many topics that are not going to come up with normal conversation, and some of them could be very important information about that person. Things that might make you stop and think twice about getting married.

Jenny's writings said...

Stacy ~ Thanks for your comment!
I absolutely agree that having serious conversations with someone that you hope to spend the rest of your life with is necessary to getting to know them and what they believe in.
What I ment when I said "heart to heart conversation" is rather a girl/guy opening their heart and telling each other things that they would not tell anyone else and things that in the case that he/she would break up, they would regret having told each other.
While it is important to ask questions and talk about big issues regarding to beliefs and character, a couple can do it in a way that they are not giving away pieces of their heart to each other while they are doing it.

Stacey said...

Hi Jenny :) You're probably right. It's been a loooong time since Keith and I met, lol!

Tanya said...


This is something that is, sadly, quite rare!

Good Job Jennifer!

Jonathan Cargill said...
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Jonathan Cargill said...
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Jonathan Cargill said...
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