Tuesday, June 7, 2016


Two months ago...
I pause in front of the mirror and stare at my face. I don't like what I see. The girl looking back at me has accepted defeat. Has given up the fight to become who God says she can be. I can see the guarded walls, the sorrow of wasted days, the pain that is building up inside begging for release. I walk away, determined to make a change.

I had a hard time beginning, because I know my tendency to fall back into the rut after a few days, weeks, or even months.
I know that there are those out there who can relate to the hopeless feeling. That point where you wonder why you even try because, like a magnet, you will always be unwillingly drawn back to where you started.
For six months, I believed that lie. I believed that I needed to accept that this was just the way I was, the way I always would be.

It was the day that I had the fleeting, surprising thought to end it all, that I knew I was going downhill fast. I was shocked at what was in my heart, the desire to take the easy road and completely quit... though buried deep, still there.
If I didn't make a change in my life, I would completely die inside.

I took pictures, I made a video, I journaled.  I marked the beginning of my journey to remind myself where I don't want to go back to.

After a few weeks of trying, I became so discouraged because I wasn't noticing a change. I didn't feel any differently inside. But instead of giving up as I had in the past, I decided to just keep going, because I was desperate to find freedom.

I continued to walk towards the goal, even though I felt like I was stuck in the mud.
I decided to take a leap and began a year long commitment to not just meet the goals I set for myself, but also to get to know God intimately.
I began a bullet journal, and other journals to keep myself accountable. I made time spent with God priority, and starting focusing more on how I spent every moment of the day.

When I began, I was so scared, because I know myself, and have seen how often I have tried something, only to end up quitting after a couple of months because I couldn't do it perfectly. I knew that if I didn't believe I could do this, and that God would give me the strength to finish, I would not make it very far. I chose to ignore my fear and just believe, even though everything in me was screaming out "don't even try".

Before long, I began noticing a change. It was a different kind of change than in the past. It was a refining, the kind that comes through struggle. Through sticking it out and not giving up even when it gets hard.

I heard in the sermon this Sunday that just because you have faith, doesn't mean that you won't fail. And that it is one of the biggest lessons I have learned through all of this.

Just two weeks ago, I had a couple of days where I not only failed, but I fell flat on my face. I wanted to quit, and begin again because I wanted to do it perfectly, but I realized that I can't give up each time I fall.
What I needed to do was embrace my imperfections and realize that they are for learning. I learned more through that failure than I did through everything that I had done right.

It was hard, but I was finally able to continue.
It hasn't gotten any easier yet. But I have grown so much, and I am confident, that this time I will finish.

I paused in front of the mirror and stared at my face. I smiled. The girl looking back at me was so much happier, so much more peaceful. Gone were the walls put up to protect herself from the pain. She had struggled, she had continued, and she had won. I thought of how far I still had yet to travel, but in my heart I had already arrived. "Thank you God", was all I could say.


Anonymous said...

Thankyou for sharing this Jenny. It's something I've been needing to hear...


Kerri Pauls said...

I love you and your beautiful story. keep pressing on!