Friday, June 23, 2017

Letting Go

Guys, I'm about to be real vulnerable. So much so that I don't even know if I will be able to click that publish button. If you are reading this right now, it is a victory.

So, you all know that we have been through some hard times lately. After all things settled down, and life began to find a new normal, I found myself having a hard time getting it right. You know, like setting things straight in my life, and being able to do battle again. To climb the mountains and move forward.
I felt stuck, and I didn't know why.

Have you ever seen in movies where the characters have a physical breakthrough before being set free from what is holding them down? I never really understood that. I never thought that I would ever need to do that.

But one day recently, I began to think about all that was bothering me, I began to dig deep into my soul and pull out the real problem.
I found that what was hurting me the most in the moment was the feeling of betrayal. The feeling of losing someone that I cared about more than I would ever have admitted. I hadn't mourned my loss. I hadn't let go of it. And because it was all stuffed inside my chest, I was held back, maybe even thrown backwards because I hadn't dealt with it yet. I hadn't cried, I hadn't found a release.

Even just thinking about it all now is bringing me to tears, because it still hurts. It still tears at my heart. This is hard to write, but I think it is also part of my healing.

I took out something that represented well this friendship. I marred part of it with my goals. I hung it in a place that would remind me that I need to move forward, and not allow it to hold me back.
Then I ripped, and tore, and wept.

There was something about physically letting go. Physically bringing closure. Physically bringing an end to something that I cherished and treasured.
It brought release.
Finally I was able to move again, to breathe again.

Now, I continue to mourn, but at least I can heal. At least it is not holding me back anymore. It doesn't mean that it is ok, but it means that one day it will be.

If you feel stuck today, ask God to show you what that root problem is, then ask Him to show you how to let it go.
It is painful, it isn't fun, but you will feel so much better once you have released it.

Grace will hold you, and carry you higher.


Janet Hildebrand said...

It blessed me to watch you and Kerri worshiping in church last Sunday Jen. I know that I know that God will be faithful to draw near to you as you continue to draw near to him. Life's growing experiences are rarely easy to go through, just remember that as you cling to the truth and remain faithful to God those tough times will serve to melt you down, refine you, and mold you into the woman of God that He intends for you to be. Believing this has helped me more than once on my journey to forgiveness and 'loving my enemy.' Beauty from ashes. Hugs.

Shayla Thiessen said...

this is so good Jen. <3 <3

Anonymous said...

Jen, that is so powerful. I understand exactly how you feel about having to mourn and let go of something so precious! I also had to do something physical to release the emotional bonds that were ripped away. Your heart is soft and it is precious to see that at a young age you are dealing with and processing big life battles in a healthy way! I am sorry for the loss you experienced. We wish it never would have happened. We know it never should have happened like it did. It was so unnecessary and careless. Thank you for sharing your rawness. Those feelings are valid and your way of processing is a testimony and another step to healing. Reading this post has been just that for me as well. Another step towards healing and an acknowledgement that yes, this really all happened and God sees our hearts in all of it and holds us with utmost care!
Love you,

Josh and Rebecca Pauls said...

You are a gem, such a godly example to so many people!! Love you!