Wednesday, April 23, 2014


The loss of life is never an experience to be desired. No one wants to go through the emotional pain nor the physical burden of sadness, especially when the path has been walked once already.
On the Sunday that celebrates life, our dreams were shattered yet again. We said "goodbye" to the little life that never had a chance to live.

Upon hearing of the coming arrival of a new sibling, my first reaction was to put up a guard. "It may hurt" my heart said as I wavered between fear of possibility and joyful expectaion. We all knew that it could happen again. It all could come to an end in heartbreak.
As I communicated this feeling to mom, her unwavering faith spoke saying that she wanted us to celebrate the life inside her for as long as God gifted it to us.
Knowing that a fearful life is not any life to live, I agreed to dream, plan... to love. We talked about our red headed curly haired little girl as if there was no doubt she would come.

The morning of the day before Easter Sunday, mom told me that she was possibly beginning to miscarry. "Pray" she said.
As I went to outside to milk the cows, I began to pray. "Please let us keep the baby."
I wanted to add "Your will" but my heart stopped that phrase before it could leave my mouth. I wanted to fully believe that healing could take place, and it felt like adding those words would increase the doubt. I knew what I wanted to happen. This would just be another false alarm, the baby would grow to term and I would hold a treasure in my arms. Somehow in that second, my faith got twisted. I wanted to maintain control over an uncontrollable situation.

In my hesitation, God pressed me until I broke to tears. "I can see the big picture" He said with love and compassion. I knew that surrender was crucial in this moment. I couldn't control the outcome by ferociously praying for what I wanted to come to pass.
Still the struggle continued as the love poured down, almost suffocating me in my stubborn resistance.
Finally surrender came, I remembered what I have known for so long.
I can't even see one step of my life in front of me, while my heavenly Father can see my whole life, my whole families lives from beginning to end.
He knows what is best for us.
Still believing, yet at last willing to fully rely on God's sovereign plan, I prayed the words "Your will be done".

Easter morning dawned and we knew what His will was.
Our red headed, curly haired little girl will dance in heaven.

Again we mourn a loss of life.
Again we are grateful to have had a chance to celebrate that life.
Again we trust in the plan that is above human knowledge.
Again we say "Blessed be the name of the Lord".


Mandy said...

Tears are falling. What a powerful, sorrowful post yet full hope because you do not mourn as one who has no hope. We are praying for your family as you grieve what could have been and rejoice for the little one that will know no trials here on earth.

Mrs. Pauls said...

I am so sorry to hear this. We will be praying for your family.

Alicia Hein said...

Oh Jen, I am so sorry. I understand the pain of losing two siblings in a row before even having a chance to hold them, and it hurts so bad. I am praying that God will hold you and your family close to His heart right now. Your faith inspires me. Love you girl, I'm praying!

Josh and Rebecca Pauls said...

God new that our baby needed an auntie in heaven. Hugs!

Rachel said...

God be with you all!