Thursday, June 4, 2015

My little secret

Almost twenty-four.
Living at home.
Never been in a relationship.

Sometimes when I look at the résumé of my life, I wonder what people must think of me. Or rather, how they must think I think of me.
Basically all of who I am goes against what is normal. I wouldn't blame people for thinking me strange, or stuck, or naive.
Controlled, blinded, brainwashed... I am sure those thoughts have crossed the minds of some outside looking in.

I am okay with others viewing me in this way, because they don't know me. They don't know my thought process, they don't know the heart of why I am who I am.
They don't hear my conversations with God, they don't know the kind of relationship that we have.

Once upon a time, I was eighteen. I thought I knew what my life was about. What this journey of waiting would be like. If I had known that six years would go by and I would still be struggling through that same journey, I would have despaired.
But I have found this secret. It is a secret that doesn't just apply to the way that I choose to live my life, but to anyone who is walking in the path that God has placed them on.

A lot of people would assume that I am the type of woman who's one and only purpose in life is to get married and have a family. And it was, when I was that eighteen year old girl dreaming of my future. But I have come to know that the reason that I am here on this earth is not to get married, have a family, not to have a career, not to find a place in the world, not to live out what I think would be the best scenario for my life.

My purpose on the earth is to be the woman that God created me to be, and to live out the calling that He has placed on my life. This is my secret.
Because I am living my life with one goal, I can trust.
 I have someone that I can share all of my hopes and dreams with. And then I can come away knowing that He has plans for my life that are even bigger then what I dreamed or hoped

It really makes my heart sad to see young people who are on the same journey of waiting, yet are unhappy, miserable and desperate. These are the same that I find are settling for second best, or jumping at any opportunity just because it came along.

I can be happy, joyful because I am living already. I am not waiting for someone to come along so that I can begin my life. I am seeking first His Kingdom, growing in my personal relationship with Him, and doing my best to reach the world with His arms of love.

The waiting is not easy.
I get lonely.
I have doubts.
Until I find myself in Jesus' arms, and He tells me that if I put Him first, He will take care of me. He will do what is best for me.

I used to say all the time that I live for Jesus. But I didn't know what that meant. I didn't know that in those words held the key to joy and fulfillment.
It is a simple concept, but a hard reality. Yet the rewards to the mindset of a life lived for Christ and nothing else are mind blowing.
I have already reaped the benefits by feeling an overwhelming sense of peace. And an assurance that I am on the right path.
Even though my life looks crazy to most people, it is my life. And until I hear God clearly telling me to move, I stand.
I stand still and wait.
I can smile because I love Jesus, I live for Jesus, and He is everything that I need.
A husband, a family... whatever else is extra.
I have learned that singleness is not a curse. It is a unique blessing that is not to be thrown aside as insignificant.
I would doubt that I would be as close as I am to Jesus, if I had not embarked on the journey of waiting.

So you single people that cannot wait to get hitched. Stop being so impatient.
Learn to live every season.
To eat the grass that is on THIS side of the fence until God opens the gate.
Because I am telling you... it can be every bit as tasty.


Josh and Rebecca Pauls said...

Oh Jenny, what a sweet heart you have! You are a blessing and an inspiration to so many people. I like when you're on this side of the fence, and one day when God tells you to move, Im going to cry, cause Ill miss not having you where you are right now, my next door neighbour, and the best sister I could ever have wished for! Love you girl!!! You deserve the absolute best the God has in store for you!

Linda said...

Great post Jen! I have been reading your blog for a while, but haven't commented before. Those are such great truths! There is no greater fulfillment then that of Jesus Christ! What a testimony. Thank you for opening up so honestly. God bless you! :)

Anonymous said...

This was so beautifully written Jen. Thanks for sharing! I often feel that people think I am weird or odd for the way I live or the desisions I make. I know that God's purposes for me are greater than anything that I could attempt to make on my own. I feel so blessed for the life that God has given to me as I surender to him.

Kimber-Leigh Maxson said...

Great post. Stay close to the Lord and don't give up. Found your blog through a friend. I to waited to marry I was 29+ when God brought me my husband. He is a few years younger so was not ready when I was 18 :) I am so thankful God kept me and I waitied and served my family. 8 years and 6 children later (1 in heaven) So thankful to God my husband is perfect for me. It is just amazing to think 8 years ago I wondered if God had someone for me never dreaming the journey would be so sweet. Stay strong in the Lord. Waiting is always worth it, Gods way is perfect. Hope this is encouraging to you. Kimber-Leigh

godly-young-widow said...

I'm really enjoying this "blogging challenge" with you and your sisters. Loved the "vlog"; feel free to do one too one day. Reading this post is refreshing, even though, yes, as you say, it seems weird, and I can tend to worry about your future. Not that my own future isn't worry-about-able enough. But, you can add, you live and work on a farm, you cut hair, and you're always learning more, like about parts on your machinery. Hoping to see more blogs about your "dream list".

Kaitlin W. said...

Honestly, I don't think your situation is THAT abnormal. Sure, you live with your parents in a rural setting and have some seriously weird theological beliefs, which are the result of brainwashing (juuuust kidding about those last bits :P). But an increasing number of young adults these days live with their parents out of economic necessity. Many of my sister's university friends do. Many of my employed friends do, as well, and many of them also have never been in a serious relationship or pursued higher education.

So imo, you're not that much of a freak show, although I'm glad you don't care what people think of you. (I need to get better at that myself. :P) And I apologize if I ever made you feel like one, back when you were 18 and I was worried that your parents might not support you if you decided you wanted to venture out on your own and become a missionary or something.... Ahem. Well, that's why I asked you then about it all.

Anywayz, I absolutely experience what you're talking about here. I have this idea that if I am successful in the way my parents want me to be, or if I develop a certain talent, or whatever this future goal may be, THEN I am allowed to accept myself and relax and enjoy life. In North America, we have this cultural expectation that we need to be successful in whatever we seek to achieve (especially the most respectable pursuits: marriage, house ownership, children, and earning a middle-class income). That can create a huge amount of pressure, which brings our focus into the future, and away from experiencing this present moment, which is all we really have.

Hard to figure out how to let go of those pressures, for me, at least. I think one of the beautiful messages of Christianity, is that we are deserving of love and acceptance just as we are.

I'm glad you're writing again, btw. :) Your posts are kind of devotional for me, because I usually connect in some way to what you are learning, or am learning similar things, and yeah it's really nice. :D

Jennifer said...

I always look forward to your comments. You broaden my perspective in ways that nobody else can. And goodness... You are so encouraging!
You have never made me feel like a freak, no worries! I felt that you were just concerned and I understood it then, even better now.
You know what? I miss you. Shoot me an email sometime if you like (don't if you don't like ;)). I would love to get caught up on you and your life! (
I would email you... But I lost your email address, and it has been so long it has probably changed eh? ;)
Thanks again for your comment!! Loves!